Yesterday I attended the daily mass held in the chapel of our office’ building.  I was happy (as always whenever I feel a little different when attending a mass then a surprise or surprises would happen) because my favorite priest was the one conducting the mass and one of my favorite songs was sung.  I do not know why but I suddenly had the urge, the need to cry.  But of course I did not cry on my seat.  I tried really hard not to show it or let anybody know (not that they would care).  While I was attending the mass, I had a different feeling.  I felt so light… so okay and yet not really okay… Somehow I know I felt at peace even for a minute.  After the mass, I usually kneel and pray more… I will pray for those whom I love and who loves me; those who made me cry and those whom I caused tears; for the souls of my Lolo and Lola and my other relatives and neighbors and souls in the Purgatory.  I also pray for the aborted babies and for the mothers who had an abortion; for rape victims and rapists; for battered wives/gfs and sadist husbands/bfs; for criminals and victims; for streetchildren, orphans, for everybody and everything and for the ones who are in the verge of losing hope; for forgiveness… and most importantly I pray that I may be able to help them through my own little ways.  But during that time.  The moment I knelt down.  Suddenly I did not want to pray those “things”… I just wanted to hear Him.  I just wanted Him to talk to me.  I just wanted to be silent… So I was silent for a minute, and a minute more and a minute more… But due to having the habit to pray for those things, I said them quickly, almost doing shortcuts.  I know He’ll understand.  Then, I went to see Father Nelly. 

I was the last one he entertained (I think so.).  When it was my turn I just told him that I would like to bless.  He smiled (athough he already had that accomodating and warm expression on his face) and he seemed surprised and yet glad and if I am not mistaken, it seemed that he was touched that I was there just to bless and eventually introduce each other.  He asked me what my name was.  Upon hearing my nickname, he even thought that I was the one he is scheduled to marry.  Of course I laugh and said that it cannot be me.  Maybe not at the moment.  Then, we chat a little bit.  I actually could not remember what exactly he asked.  Maybe he asked me how I am, how I’m doing, etc… ‘coz I just burst out and cried–to my surprise.  I did not even know why I cried.  I scanned my not so distant past to have a clue why I felt what I felt.  I was assured that I did not have any problem at all (aside from some tiny things happening regarding my relationship with my boyriend).  I told him I do not know why I was crying… I even joked that maybe it was because of his preaching.  It was about being in need to be healed…  I guess I am still wounded.  Of course he tried comforting me.  Explaining that it is natural to cry.  Once I was composed, I asked for his particulars.  He gave me his calling card and his updated cellphone number.  He said he’ll be looking forward to see me attend the mass daily.  I said I would also love to do that.  I was thankful I finally met him.  I do not know why.  I somehow felt a connection.  Maybe he is God’s way of helping me.  I guess I am badly in need of healing.  He then, gave me a hug.  I was happy… actually still am.

After that “encounter”, I suddenly felt that I do not want to be in a committment.  I suddenly want to talk to my boyfriend and tell him that I want… space… cool-off perharps.  Something I have never imagined I could want.  I wil share the details on my next post.  Going back, I felt that I need to be alone, to be silent, to breathe… I wanted to be sitting on a sand of a beach while waiting for the break of dawn… still seeing stars in the sky, the moon and seeing the rays of the sun at the same time… I just love that feeling… hmm… I could almost smell the air, feel the sand on my feet; in my hands, feel the breeze now even while I am here alone in the office… I miss the ocean… I miss being alone… I miss just breathing… I miss God.

I texted my bestfriend, I let her know whatever is going on inside my head.  She likes my boyfriend so much.  That she does not approve the idea of what I sort of wanted to do with my relationship…

Now, I am listening to all the music in my phone… this is the first time it ever happened that though the music is a jolly or a dance music/upbeat it seems like it is for my senti moments… I cannot help not to think of him… and hoping that he too thinks of me in such ways that I would want him to think of me… Again, this must be included on my other posts.

You might wonder why I had a picture of Aurora Borealis on this post or maybe not.  But today, I plan to save up and earn so that my mom and I could go to Alaska next year to witness first hand one of God’s great works, the Aurora Borealis.  It is another place where I would want to just breathe…

 

the picture used is from the google search result the file name is henderson2-1-21-05