to say what needs to be unsaid

the hug i never had

misha — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 09:44:22 +0000

pathetic… Sh*t! i missed the chance again. Or is it better to say that I let my chance pass me by… again? Very much a cliche… but that is exactly how i am feeling right now plus all the almost like tantrums and paranoia…

i find it hard to keep my face straight and not to think of all that i have missed, the chance to see him,

all because of a hug…

I know this is unfinished… hanging… but that is all I can say now. The feeling, the paranoia, the almost tantrums have subsided…

Missing God

misha — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 09:35:15 +0000

Yesterday I attended the daily mass held in the chapel of our office’ building. I was happy (as always whenever I feel a little different when attending a mass then a surprise or surprises would happen) because my favorite priest was the one conducting the mass and one of my favorite songs was sung. I do not know why but I suddenly had the urge, the need to cry. But of course I did not cry on my seat. I tried really hard not to show it or let anybody know (not that they would care). While I was attending the mass, I had a different feeling. I felt so light… so okay and yet not really okay… Somehow I know I felt at peace even for a minute. After the mass, I usually kneel and pray more… I will pray for those whom I love and who loves me; those who made me cry and those whom I caused tears; for the souls of my Lolo and Lola and my other relatives and neighbors and souls in the Purgatory. I also pray for the aborted babies and for the mothers who had an abortion; for rape victims and rapists; for battered wives/gfs and sadist husbands/bfs; for criminals and victims; for streetchildren, orphans, for everybody and everything and for the ones who are in the verge of losing hope; for forgiveness… and most importantly I pray that I may be able to help them through my own little ways. But during that time. The moment I knelt down. Suddenly I did not want to pray those “things”… I just wanted to hear Him. I just wanted Him to talk to me. I just wanted to be silent… So I was silent for a minute, and a minute more and a minute more… But due to having the habit to pray for those things, I said them quickly, almost doing shortcuts. I know He’ll understand. Then, I went to see Father Nelly.

I was the last one he entertained (I think so.). When it was my turn I just told him that I would like to bless. He smiled (athough he already had that accomodating and warm expression on his face) and he seemed surprised and yet glad and if I am not mistaken, it seemed that he was touched that I was there just to bless and eventually introduce each other. He asked me what my name was. Upon hearing my nickname, he even thought that I was the one he is scheduled to marry. Of course I laugh and said that it cannot be me. Maybe not at the moment. Then, we chat a little bit. I actually could not remember what exactly he asked. Maybe he asked me how I am, how I’m doing, etc… ‘coz I just burst out and cried–to my surprise. I did not even know why I cried. I scanned my not so distant past to have a clue why I felt what I felt. I was assured that I did not have any problem at all (aside from some tiny things happening regarding my relationship with my boyriend). I told him I do not know why I was crying… I even joked that maybe it was because of his preaching. It was about being in need to be healed… I guess I am still wounded. Of course he tried comforting me. Explaining that it is natural to cry. Once I was composed, I asked for his particulars. He gave me his calling card and his updated cellphone number. He said he’ll be looking forward to see me attend the mass daily. I said I would also love to do that. I was thankful I finally met him. I do not know why. I somehow felt a connection. Maybe he is God’s way of helping me. I guess I am badly in need of healing. He then, gave me a hug. I was happy… actually still am.

After that “encounter”, I suddenly felt that I do not want to be in a committment. I suddenly want to talk to my boyfriend and tell him that I want… space… cool-off perharps. Something I have never imagined I could want. I wil share the details on my next post. Going back, I felt that I need to be alone, to be silent, to breathe… I wanted to be sitting on a sand of a beach while waiting for the break of dawn… still seeing stars in the sky, the moon and seeing the rays of the sun at the same time… I just love that feeling… hmm… I could almost smell the air, feel the sand on my feet; in my hands, feel the breeze now even while I am here alone in the office… I miss the ocean… I miss being alone… I miss just breathing… I miss God.

I texted my bestfriend, I let her know whatever is going on inside my head. She likes my boyfriend so much. That she does not approve the idea of what I sort of wanted to do with my relationship…

Now, I am listening to all the music in my phone… this is the first time it ever happened that though the music is a jolly or a dance music/upbeat it seems like it is for my senti moments… I cannot help not to think of him… and hoping that he too thinks of me in such ways that I would want him to think of me… Again, this must be included on my other posts.

You might wonder why I had a picture of Aurora Borealis on this post or maybe not. But today, I plan to save up and earn so that my mom and I could go to Alaska next year to witness first hand one of God’s great works, the Aurora Borealis. It is another place where I would want to just breathe…

the picture used is from the google search result the file name is henderson2-1-21-05

While waiting for him to remember me…

misha — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 10:20:43 +0000

He affects me. That is a fact. When he is not texting me with a personal message or a forwarded one for one whole day or two consecutive days I get jumpy, I get frustrated, I get paranoid then I get upset. Almost every part of my body seem to symphatize with however I am feeling. I feel that every second is the longest second; every minute is the longest minute and every hour is the longest hour. It feels as if I am in a boring and dragging movie… Just like today. I could not help it. I texted him. Well, I have a reason. A valid one. But, he never replied. So, it happened. I felt sleepy. I was not in the mood to work. I was not so bubbly. I kept waiting… waiting and waiting. But the text never came. The day is almost over. But, something happened. He actually remembered me! Thanks to my co-worker. He relayed his message to me. Suddenly, everything was bright. Everything seemed okay. I was and I am happy. Having the ”makulit girl” in me (just like a teenager) I asked my co-worker to tell me over and over again about how it happened; how he asked; how it happened; how he asked… and so on. It turned out that he almost forgot to tell me

I think it is sweet. Yes, I really like him now.

An intro, perhaps?

misha — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 05:33:24 +0000

Hmmm… to start my story-telling I am thinking if I should introduce myself first? What should I tell? That I am a sorta weirdo? Weird in my own ways… Ahihihihi… That I am a little bit of everything? Well, I guess it will be best to describe me with a song… rather, with songs

So, I have that Better in time by Leona Lewis in me when it comes to loving and being ready to get hurt but, when I am really in love romantically, I so love singing Keep on loving you by Reo Speedwagon, Breathe by Faith Hill, I am gonna love you by Jennifer Love Hewitt. During my really low low moments, it really helps me when Angels by David Archuleta (or other’s versions) is on the air or Rainbow or With a Smile both by Southborder or my favorite Filipino praise songs: Paghahandog ng sarili, anima cristi, One more gift, Paghahandog etc… I also like hearing these songs whenever I feel thankful, light adn stress-free. Of course, when I have my senti (broken-hearted or when I just want to be in the “mood”) moments, I just love to hear Erik Santos’ version of Goodbye is not forever, Is there something by Christopher Cross, Burn by Usher, Stranded by Jennifer Paige, Manliligaw Nanliligay by Lloyd Umali, In a Second by Aly and Aj, Alone by Heart, Sleeps with Butterflies by Tori Amos and the list goes on…

I hope to whoever will get to read this will have an idea of how complicated I am as a person, as a friend, as a daughter, as a neighbor, as a classmate, as an enemy, as an officemate, as a suborbinate, as a superior, as a lover, as a niece, as a cousin, as an aunt, as a girlfriend, as an org member, as a community member, as a child of God, as an acquantance and as a human being… All these are my roles with different persons all at the same time… different me and yet I am still who I am. Actually, I have not included ALL of my roles in my life. I have not included all of my sub-roles. You see, for every role there is a sub-role. That is how complex a person (including myself) can actually be. For example, my role as a betrayed friend, as a hurtful girlfriend (awww… is there suchc a term), as the black sheep in the family, as a loving aunt… etc… Alright, I am just in my early twenty’s I do not want to give you false impression that I am actually older than I thought I am!

So much for my introduction… or my not so intro introduction…

May you and I learn from whatever we will find here…

Yes, it has always been my dream to be able to help people in a way or two through the stories of my life.

May you and I never forget that God or the Highest Spirit or that Someone out there loves us ALWAYS.

something something #1

misha — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 04:43:52 +0000

I have planned to update my blog every now and then with whatever is happening with my life… from friends to foes; from lovers to acquaintances… but then again… maybe I am too caught up with emotions… Or maybe I am too afraid to start pouring my heart out because I might not be able to stop… Or maybe I am too tired to do so… Or maybe I just do not know when, where and how to start…

the quick brown fox jumps over the head of the lazy dog…

misha — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 02:28:20 +0000

I learned that this sentence includes all the letters in the English alphabet. That was way way back my primary school years. Thanks to my Ate. I was so amazed. I was so excited. From then on, I started writing this sentence over and over: whenever I feel sleepy, bored, stressed, excited, trying to think, talking on the phone, etc… almost always. What started as a mean of practice for my cursive writing and for my typing skills, is now one of my hobbies. But, there were times when I cannot help not to think about why I am like that. It seems to me that it is automatic for me to write or doodle the sentence or doodle any shape/images in my mind. For some time, I consider it my stress ball. Then, came CSI LV. Hypergraphia was introduced to me. I was curious. I tried to search for the definitions of this word. From all my “researches” I consider myself a bit of a hypergraphic person with just limited err… subjects to write. Of course, that is just my opinion based on my readings from the internet. So, what is the point of this entry? I guess I just wanted to “write”…